intentions

this is something i wrote about a year and a half ago:

i was out with friends last week. we were celebrating several birthdays and one of the birthday girls dcecided she wanted to play truth or dare. she was first to go and chose truth. the question was, 'what's one thing about yourself that you don't like/would change?'

it was an interesting question. being the contemplator that i am, i contemplated this question on my drive home. what would my answer be? once i thought about it for a couple of minutes, i realized, with out a shadow of a doubt, what my answer would be.

i have recently become very aware of how many projects, ideas, thoughts, etc that i have that never come to completion. i think of something, think the whole thing out, think about it for days or weeks even and never act on it. i plan meals that i don't ever make. i don't send the card i think about sending. i don't finish a project i told someone i'd work on. it took me 6 months to paint my kids bedroom!

intentions don't mean a gosh darn thing if they are not followed by action. i am now of the opinion that it's NOT the thought that counts. at least when it comes to myself. i make way to many excuses for myself.

i've been thinking about this ever since that night. this is what i don't like about myself. not finishing things. or not acting on things. and i wonder what it is it that causes me to not follow through. am i just being lazy? i make time to type this out on the computer. why can't i make time to put my old dishes in a box in the basement? they have been sitting on my counter in the kitchen since last christmas. seriously. well, they were put into a box and are now in the basement, today, thanks to jeff. i meant to do it. i say that a lot.

well, dishes can't get up and put themselves into a box. dinner cannot make and drive itself down to a friend who has just had a baby. rooms don't paint themselves. dinner cannot be ready to eat at 6:30 if i don't start making it until 6:15. i can't wear really cool jewelry i've made unless i actually make it.

all of these things, plus bigger and smaller things, have all come glaringly into focus for me recently. i'm tired of making excuses to myself. and to jeff, the kids and my friends for that matter.

so, i am realizing that intentions mean nothing without action. i'm glad that i'm seeing this part of myself so clearly. really, i am. my intention is to do something about it.

now, i just need to act on it, right?

the frustrating thing is, i feel like i could have written it yesterday. it's not like i haven't tried to change.

i'm trying again. i want to be intentional. i'm tired of chasing. i want to do things and not always feel like i have to catch up.